GSC, New Highly Addictive Drug Sweeps the Nation
By Staff Reporter: Unda Wrapz

They’re here – they’re everywhere. On street corners, at your front door, and even at the local food marts pushing their “drugs” to anyone and everyone. They’re even in schools doing it – not 500 feet from schools, but right there inside the school selling their “stuff.” On the streets it’s known as “GSC” and it’s the most addictive drug available.

Who is behind this new drug causing such wide-spread addiction? None other than a plethora of little green cookie pushers calling themselves Girl Scouts (GS). Every year around this time GS pushers don their troop (gang) colors by wearing a sash diagonally across their chest. Scouring the streets in search of new markets for GSC, pushers target unsuspecting victims who are unaware that one single hit of GSC causes hard-core addiction.

Moreover, in recent years, a national investigation has uncovered large GS cookie cartels – gangs of highly organized GS troops who carve out huge portions of “turf” resulting in domination of entire neighborhoods, supermarket chains, and even drug stores. In front of many stores, GS gangs brazenly set up makeshift stands piled high with kilos of GSC.

Taking their business model from South American drug cartels that have perfected underground shipments of illegal narcotics to North America – the Girl Scouts are now using the same model and seeking world cookie domination – one box at a time.

An inside high ranking GS troop leader says, “Our ‘product’ is only available once per year, unlike ‘other stuff’ available on the streets making for an extremely super fan-tabulous profit!” When asked about the addictive qualities of their products, she categorically denies “that our product is addictive in anyway.” Even after studies in the American Medical Journal revealed that the average ‘user’ purchases no less than 6 boxes with Thin Mints and the peanut butter filled Do-Si-Dos leading sales.

Many “users” began their addiction quite by accident. After being visited by a GS at her own dwelling, one user who didn’t want her identity revealed sobbingly says, “It became the very center of my life. I just had to have my fix regardless of when and where.” Burying her head in her hands in shame she goes on to say, “I’ve hidden my addiction from my children and even my husband. No one knows the hold GSC can have on a person.”

After conducting their own investigation, an FBI report concluded that due to the GS’s bold tactics of going door-to-door in order to “hock their highly addictive product” and even recruiting “parental units” to sell it at their places of employment– “it’s no wonder why so many people become addicted. “It’s worse than crack and cocaine combined!”

More problematic, according to Lt. Nibbles, FBI Narcotics Director is that “violence has been erupting between troops fighting over turf in order to increase their profit margins. Drive-by water balloon fights in front of Kroger Food Marts have brought parking lot traffic to a halt and gang brawls between troops have resulted in bloody merit badge sashes and overturned tables of GSC.”

Worse still is that users who routinely try to bilk the towering 3 foot tall pushers out of the $3 per hit price are finding themselves the victims of the GS’s Mafioso money collections tactics. Many have ended up severely injured or dead when a “special GS collection unit” is deployed.

When asked to comment on the rising levels of aggression and violence, Lt. Nibbles simply shakes his head in dismay and sadly laments, “That it’s only getting worse by the year and the FBI just doesn’t have the man-power to combat this new drug or this level of violence.