Scout223's blog

Where’s Scout223?

Thu, 28 Jun 2007 15:02:29 +0000

Where’s Scout223?

As many of you know I have a nationally syndicated humor article on the Out in America (outinamerica.com) network called Scout223's Cherry along with being an Administrator.

Well, after some thought and tiring of some of the energy sucking vampires that are allowed to exist on there - I decided that, in my words, it is "not a kingdom worth keeping" and so deleted my profile on there. Several others followed suit.

No longer will I be submitting writings to that site. So if you need to get your dose of Scout223 then you'll have to read it here until I get a local social site up and running.

I think Steve on here will be glad to work together on this to create a totally interactive site where people from all walks of gay life can mingle and mix.

Well, that is all for now from me. Check back often to see new writings or for now check www.Scout223.com which will take you to my MySpace profile and blog there too. But whatever is there will also be posted here.

Until Next Time...Scout223 Out!

Columbus Pre-Pride Event - Com Fest & Rocking in the Streets - Pictures

Sat, 23 Jun 2007 04:54:07 +0000

Wow! Some Fun Pictures of Rockin’ in the Streets………………..

Today I came up and met some OIC buddies. We roamed around Com Fest and then headed over to Rocking in the Streets to hear some great live music, see other pals, kick back, and hang out.

One thing, at Com Fest – there was some kind of “Toy Car” mini-show going on and sure enough – some folks glued, bolted, screwed, or some how attached bunches of toys to cars, almost completely covering them. Some had masses of baby doll heads while others had toy trains. Take a looksie. Weird but cool.

Oh and someone even got real ambitious and “decorated” a latrine too! See link to pictures below to see that.

Once over at Rocking in the Streets – I just started snapping pictures and completely lucked out and got to see one of my favorite musicians – Tracy Walker from Cincinnati. I’ve been listening to her stuff for years – back when she started with Ain’t Helen. Wow, hard to believe it was so long ago.

Anyway, here are a few other pictures for your viewing pleasure. If you want to see all of them I snapped, visit: http://pg.photos.yahoo.com/ph/jekessans/album?.dir=/61d7scd.

I got some pretty good ones. Although I have to say that by 10:30 we left as I was getting sleepy and wanted to rest up for the 3000 Steps Pride March and a funn filled day at Pride.

See ya there!

Until the 3000 Steps Pride March…Scout223 Out!

Day 2 of Cincy Pride and No Homo Haters Showed Up! :(

Tue, 12 Jun 2007 11:44:08 +0000

Cincinnati Pride Day 2 From Beginning to End…..

Sunday day 2 of Cincinnati Gay Pride started off with a long march where many businesses and gay groups participated including us – Troop 223.

We marched (well, actually rode on the back of a friend’s truck the whole way), and saw a great turn out for our Pride event that has steadily been growing for the past few years.

Here are some more pictures and you can view all of the others taken that day at: http://pg.photos.yahoo.com/ph/jekessans/album?.dir=9a47re2&.src=ph .

On day 2 we got over 125 more pictures and some of our Columbus Pals came down to celebrate with us too.

Oh and before things kicked off, we volunteered to help set up the event doing things like loading ice into the coolers at the vendor stands, etc.

Well, take a look at the pictures of both days. It was great fun and we can’t wait until weekend after next when we come up for Columbus Pride. See ya all there!

Until Next Pride in Columbus…..Scout223 Out!

A Few More Pics......

Sun, 10 Jun 2007 12:16:06 +0000

HAPPY GAY PRIDE! Will write and share more pictures later.

Cincy Pride - Homo Haters, God Lova’s, and Mutha’ F*cka’s…

Sun, 10 Jun 2007 04:16:06 +0000

Cincy Pride - Homo Haters, God Lova’s, and Mutha’ F*cka’s…

Cincy Pride… Cincinnati Pride kicked off today at 4 pm and sure enough – guess who shows up?

If ya said Gay Hatin’ Homophobes, then you’d be right.

No problem though, because as you can see in the picture below I jumped the fence, and stripped for the Glory of God, baring my Jewish soul to everyone!

It was a lot of fun and certainly surprised them to the point of choking on their bullhorns! Haha…funny thing is I think they want to choke on a real man’s “bullhorn”. I got over 100 photos at Pride today and you can view the photo album at: http://pg.photos.yahoo.com/ph/jekessans/album?.dir=ebe3re2 including some cute (nearly) naked guys, gals, and some great performers.

Below are a few more pictures from today.

Fab Pride Entertainment!

Don't Do Lesbian Crack!

Trans-sexual, Cool Old Guy, Another Trans-sexual, and a BDSM Chick! -We wantted to give those Homo aters something to think about!

Tomorrow, we’ll be there again and this time we’ll be marching behind the Scout223 banner.

And if you couldn’t make it to Cincy Pride, we’ll be marching again behind the banner again for Columbus Stonewall’s 3000 Steps fundraising event!

l Pride Tomorrow…Scout223 Out!

Fighting Terrorism – One Razor at a Time

Fri, 27 Apr 2007 16:21:28 +0000

Fighting Terrorism – One Razor at a Time
By: Scout223

President Bush announced yesterday that federal funding will begin for a special new program aimed at eliminating what he refers to as “hairy chicks.” The Free Disposable Razors for Lesbians Program is set to kick off with a “Shave That Nasty Hair Fundraising Gala” where top Washington officials and pundits will be in attendance. It will be a shave all you can style affair capped off by a buffet of “hair-themed” cuisine such as porcupine ribs, Polar Bear hair Pie, and Bichon Frise Brisket.

When asked about the importance of this program, President Bush said, “Hairy chicks are clogging Amerika’s eye-ball sight with their proliferous hair spouting out from all over their corpuses, and we jist can’t have hairy chicks running amuck in this great country of ours!”

Not sure of what the President was really saying, reporters asked Bush to further explain his statement. He replied with, “Well, ya see…hairy chicks are like little visual terrorist lobbing their nuklear arsenal of hairy-ness all around for Amerikans to see whether they want to or not, and that is the same tactics that Al-Qaeda is using.”

During one of his hunting trips, former Secretary of Defense, Donald Rumsfeld was asked about his stance on the president’s position. Responding in a somewhat perplexed (or confused) fashion with raised eyebrow he responded, “There is evidence to suggest that hairy Lesbian chicks are really undercover Al-Qaeda Special Forces operatives, quite possibly a super-terrorist cell operating all across the US today.”

Still quite confused, reporters crowded around him asking for further explanation as to how this could be. Lowering his shotgun from the face of a colleague, Mr. Rumsfeld lowered his head in dismay and quietly stated, “It’s suspected that even my Lesbian daughter may be one of the hairy Chick’s main operatives. We suspect this since she has never taken to shaving and is quite hairy. And from what the defense department has discerned, lesbians like my daughter, who has never even so much as held a razor are generally the highest ranking officials in the “Hairy Chick Terrorist Cell”. It’s a pity ‘cause I kind of liked her, but as an American, I have to do my duty to protect this country, even if it means shooting someone in the face myself!”

When told of Mr. Rumsfeld’s startling admission, President Bush admitted that he was aware of the possibility that “Lil’ Hairy Mary Rumsfeld might be a terrorist is just tragik-er than anything he could imaginate!”

Asked whether he had any final requests for the American public in helping to combat the travesty, President Bush said, “Yup, I sure do. If ya’ see one of them hairy chicks, stop ‘em and give ‘em a disposable razor and tell ‘em that we’re watching ‘em ‘cuase we’re Amerikans, and Amerikans aren’t gonna’ tolerinate this kind of terrorism-istic kind of tacktics!” he added, “Oh and be sure to attend the $1,000,000 per plate Hairy Chicks fund razor, so we can avoid having to use social security funds. And one more thing, “Let’s all be good Amerikans and shave!”

For more information on how you can help with this new federal program or to attend the kick-off gala, call your congressman and request a special “No Hairy Terrorist Chicks Anti-Terrorism Kit” complete with disposable razors to hand out to any hairy chick you encounter, and instructions on how to spot them.

Lesbian Online Survival: How to Avoid the Herds of Crazies..............

Thu, 12 Apr 2007 02:20:45 +0000

Lesbian Online Survival: How to Avoid the Herds of Crazies
By: Missed Manners (Scout2223)

Disclaimer: Any resemblance to persons, Lesbians, and animals living or dead is purely coincidental. Scout223 does not condone the use of violence against any living creature except state certified crazy Lesbians and it is only limited to kickin’ their exit holes as reality shock therapy in an attempt to knock them back into sanity. This message is provided as part of a public service announcement and is not affiliated with the Crazy Lesbians Association in Therapy (CLIT).

No doubt it’s hard enough to meet someone in person, but thanks to the online revolution of online places for people to meet, it’s been made much easier…maybe to easy. As herd animals, Lesbians are especially drawn to this new electronic frontier where bastions of previously unknown Lesbian herds roam. New unexplored territory provides fertile ground for fun new connections and herd building opportunities but also brings the likelihood of bumping into other unsavory species. These are Lesbians who are…shall we say…”off kilter.”

Thanks to the anonymity afforded by the internet weirdness abounds and certified rabid Lesbians are running amuck using their profiles to tout “Hey, I’m freakin’ crazy!” and “The (Online) World is my Shrink!”

So the question is how can you avoid the “off kilter” Lesbians out there passing through your territory and how can you tell which ones should be kept out of the herd? Easy, simply follow Missed Manners tips for online survival.

If someone:

1. Contacts you and pretty much divulges too much personal information about herself right away – this is probably not a good bet and they’re suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder or Bi-Polar Disorder or some other nasty mental affliction. Run like the wind to escape these types!

2. Reveals things about themselves that is inconsistent with what their “profile:” says about them – then it’s obvious that they can’t keep track of the lies they’re telling and to whom they’re telling them. Again, run like fire from this. These folks are really bad news.

3. Doesn’t tell you anything after you’ve spoken via email, IM, and guestbook messages for quite along time, this could be one of a few things. It could be they really don’t have much to say, are very private, or think that not revealing anything is somehow mysterious. Simply, ask them pointed questions that require more than a yes or no answer. If they’re still are not forthcoming, then perhaps they’re just really boring. Move on to something more interesting.

4. Whines and complains about everyone and how mean and bad people are and how nothing is ever “her fault” including her 100 ex-girlfriends and friends, then she is a professional victim. Tell her there are no victims in this life, only volunteers and that she is a voluntary weenie and you’re gonna’ voluntarily terminate further contact with her.

5. Doesn’t post a picture of their own mug, then they are hiding. From what? Who knows! But unless you’re in the witness protection program there just isn’t any excuse for not showing your mug.

6. Hands you a line and does any of the above mentioned things, don’t cut her any slack – she’s a manipulative weenie and needs the boot. No doubt several thousand other women have probably already given her the boot for her “eccentricities.”

7. Says and does what her profile states, then this is a pretty good bet that she is the real thing. Hey, finding a gem isn’t easy as any miner can tell you because you have to go though a lot of slag to get to the good stuff. Add this one to your herd.

Even nature has a plan for dealing with a pack animal that gets too out of paw – it’s eaten by its own! So, let’s try to follow nature’s lesson and protect the pack from bonafied crazies...otherwise get your boots on ‘cause we got a lot of kickin’ to do.

A Few More Words on The L-Word............................

Fri, 30 Mar 2007 20:15:46 +0000

A Few More Words on The L-Word

This past Sunday, the season finale of The L-Word aired. No doubt, Lesbians everywhere were wondering what would become of these wacky L.A. Lesbians. Once again, we were left asking WTF!?

Let’s re-cap, shall we? (Disclaimer: Yup, I know this is a long article, but there is no abbreviated version when it comes to Lesbian drama, especially The L-Word variety.)

After feuding for the past two seasons, Bette and Tina have “worked through” their anger at one another and are obviously attempting to jump back on their love train while simultaneously pursuing other love/sex opportunities. Tina deciding that the penis iceberg she has been bumping into repeatedly isn’t her cup of orientation after all drifts back to her old poon loving ways. A big movie exec, she is being quasi-pursued by Kate, the director for Jenny’s Lez Girl movie.

During a chat, Tina, with a special gleam in her eye says, “Yes, I messed up with Bette and have feelings for her.” Self-centered Kate dressed in her usual “shabby chic homeless person” attire complete with Blue-Blocker sunglasses replies, “Well, ya’ better get some of this (casually motioning to her nether region) before it’s no longer available.” Tina, stunned and confused replies with a raised eyebrow and a quasi-giggle/laugh sound.

Bette, however, is courting Jodi, a deaf artist at the same college. Immediately, things heat up between these two strong willed women as Bette tries to mold Jodi, only to find that she won’t put up with Bette’s sculpting ways. Instead she runs off to New York to create an art piece for a nature center. Undeterred in her dogged pursuit, Bette enlists the help of “I’m game for anything” Alice and “I don’t give a darn” Shane to “re-locate” a large metal sign from a building slated for demolition.

As per her “re-obtainment of Jodi plan,” Bette ships the sign to New York where she presents it in gay grandiose style via a tractor as a peace offering and to say, “Hey, I’m sorry I’m a big weenie; will you have me back?” Jodi, stunned at the gesture and happy to see Bette, flings her arms around Bette and the two passionately kiss. Afterwards, Jodi tells Bette, “You better not break my heart.”

After a silly short-lived fling with Phyllis, Bette’s goofy married boss, Alice breaks it off to pursue the more mysterious Tasha, a Captain in the U.S. Army just back from the Iraq war. Somewhat sullen and reticent at first, Tasha is won over by Alice’s effervescent charm. The two start dating but also clash in their ideologies.

Tasha believes in serving her country – right or wrong, whereas Alice, a modern-day peace-loving hippie is against anything Bush or Iraq war related. After a brief argument over their differing political perspectives, the two finally “join forces” and engage in peace talks in the sack. However, Tasha launches an information scud missile when she tells Alice “her unit is being re-deployed to Iraq in two weeks.” Alice counterattacks by deploying an “F Bomb” by telling Tasha to “go do your f’ing duty!” and refuses to attend Tasha’s going away party.

After some initial soul searching, and conversing with the dead Dana over whether she should accept dealing with Tasha’s deployment and attend the party, Alice, goes so she can spend whatever time remains with Tasha. Later after the party, Tasha and Alice lay on the beach in an embrace watching the sunrise.

Jenny, fresh from a stint in the nut-farm, experiences writing success when her thinly veiled stories about her incest and Lez Girls is published and slated for production as a movie. However, in typical “I’m a freakin’ crazy person and a wack dresser” fashion, Jenny alienates her friends with her throat cutting writing tactics and weirdo ways.

One example occurs when she seeks revenge on Curve Magazine writer, Stacy Merkin, who gave her story a bad review. To do this, Jenny hatches an ill-conceived plot to get back at Stacy by adopting a terminally ill dog so that she can get to Stacy’s girlfriend, a veterinarian. Soon, however, Jenny’s antics backfire and she is left with a dead dog, Sounder I, and a failed revenge plot. Moreover, after an intense verbal battle with Tina during a film production meeting with other executives, Jenny is fired from writing the screen adaptation of Lez Girls, but only after Tina is pushed beyond the limit and calls Jenny the big “C: word!

Feeling dejected while at Tasha’s going away party, Jenny hauls her new dog, a table-whizzing Pomeranian and a blow-up boat out to sea in the dead of night. Having more sense than Jenny, the dog, Sounder II, bails on her and runs back up the beach to the relative safety of the other party attendees who are wondering out loud, “Where’s Jenny?” In the morning, Jenny wakes to find herself adrift in the open sea in her little air dingy without a paddle and a self-pitying forlorn look.

Shane finds herself the sole caregiver for her half-brother, Shay after his mom dumps him on Shane’s deck. Stepping up to the parental unit plate, Shane morphs into “super-uber mommy” by accepting responsibility for Shay’s care and well being, even modeling mostly nude for a Hugo Boss underwear ad to obtain much needed cash after Shay breaks his arm in a skateboarding accident. While caring for him, Shane finds that there is more to life than snorting cocaine and ho’ing around. Preferring to attend PTA meetings at Shay’s school, Shane meets one of Shay’s friend’s moms, the ambiguously sexual bombshell, “I’ve got purty hooters” Paige.

After spending some quality “family” time with Paige and her son, Shane drops her guard and her pants and shows Paige the finer points of “vehicle love”. So enamored with Paige and her son, Shane asks her if she would like to get a house together. Paige replies yes by banging Shane into nuclear-family oblivion. However, the family will be minus one, since Shane looses Shay when their biological father returns from his ho’ing tryst and demands that Shay return home with him.

Helena, a now destitute bumbling jobless Pollyanna, hooks up with gambling diva, Catherine. In denial about being a “kept woman” Helena tires of Catherine’s “fold my panties” demanding ways. To escape economic and lingerie bondage, Helena, cleans out Catherine’s gambling money safe during Tasha’s going away party taking place on the beach below.

Papi, pops her 1,000th customer but finds herself falling for Kit, Bette’s sister. After many drinks and an attempt to “go to the other side”, Kit concludes that Papi’s tongue just isn’t “making it happen” and that she is straight after all. All poopy faced, Papi bids best wishes to Kit when Kit returns to Angus, her much younger lover.

Max, raging around like a rooster at a cockfight, finally simmers down after adjusting his does of hormones from two-million units per week to the proper amount. Still feeling a lot of self-doubt over his/her gender orientation, Max deals with backlash from his family during his mother’s funeral and after covert harassment at work, he resigns and begins working full-time for Alice on the Our Chart project.

While working on Alice’s Our Chart project, Max hires intern Amber, a butch-loving lesbian who embraces his masculine dyke persona and causes him to re-think having transition surgery. Helping to load the van Bette intends to use for her “sign-re-location love project” Max is told “good luck on his transition surgery in San Francisco next week.” He responds, “I dunno’ if I am gonna’ do it or not – it’s permanent ya’ know.” After Bette, Alice, and Shane drive off, Max stands in the driveway in heavy contemplation of his upcoming surgery.

So basically….here’s what needs to happen. Since Jenny is still a self-defeating wack job, she still needs to ram a pen through her heart killing herself instantly or get eaten by sharks while out to sea.

Tina, now back again to good ol’ poon needs to stay on the poon-berg for good – preferably Bette’s. Jodi needs to stay in New York, return to her polyamarous ways, finish her sculpture by incorporating Bette’s “re-located” sign into her art but forgo incorporating Bette into her heart. No doubt her heart will be squished like a splattered bug on a speeding car’s windshield when Bette makes a beeline back to Tina’s beehive.

Alice needs to keep on dating Tasha and both need to transcend their ideology barrier with a “permanent love cease fire treaty.” Tasha needs to forgo fighting for Bush and fight for Alice’s bush.

Joyce Wishney, the lecherous Lesbian lawyer who tried to make a “motion” on Tina when she was pregnant should stay with dorky Phyllis since these two koo-koo clocks are made for each other.

Helena needs to apologize to her mummy and ask for her trust fund to be re-instated since she is only good at gambling, emptying safes, panty folding, and being a kept woman.

Papi needs to forget about the hopelessly straight penis-loving woman Kit and keep on adding “stars” to her chart. Max needs to figure out who he/she really is and accept one or the other.

Mommy Shane needs to continue evolving by creating a family with Paige and son and demand the return of Shay.

Dana needs to keep popping in from time to time to bring the pimp hand of Moses down on Alice when needed.

And Stacy Merkin and Kate need to ditch their ugly attitudes, poor attire, and Blue Blocker sunglasses and pop like zits and go away.

A Few Words on The L-Word..............................

Fri, 30 Mar 2007 20:09:44 +0000

A Few Words on The L-Word

A few weeks ago The L-Word debuted with its 3rd season picking up where Season 2 left off. Like any Lesbian I eagerly anticipated the new season to find out how the characters’ lives will play out. I don’t know about you, but no Lesbian I know lives like these women do.

Let’s see…

Shane jilts hot, classy Carmen at the alter only to spend this season hooking-up with another Latina who is an even bigger ho’ than Shane and lacks Carmen’s class. No doubt the collision between these two “f*ck-trains” will prove to be amusing. Beware: Entering the “High Drama-Zone “ ahead.

Tina after pulling her silly “find herself and get back at Bette for her transgressions” antics last year ultimately wound up choosing the sausage and all that goes with it thus successfully destroying the only long-term Lesbian couple on television. Tina needs to impale herself on her newfound living breathing penis and disappear from the show while Better needs to “keep it in her pants” and to forgo banging college co-eds.

Alice after enduring the loss of her best friend and life love had a brief pill-popping problem as a result of intense grieving for Dana, but kicked it and is back on track. Granted, what that whole messing with Papi to become the 984th notch in Papi’s “ho’ing headboard” is anyone’s guess but who can resist her “poon today, no poon tomorrow” attitude?

Jenny, weird as ever and a “struggling writer” who doesn’t understand why “no one wants to publish her writings” -- not surprisingly that are all about her. Now this season we’re being tortured with spending large amounts of time watching as she engages in continuous poor poor me whining and acting out over “harsh criticisms of her writing.” Waaaa! Poor Baby! She needs to have an unfortunate and tragic accident by falling onto her pen ramming it through her heart, killing off her character instantly.

Max, dragged home last season by Jenny, is a woman transitioning to a man. This was a great opportunity for The L-Word to realistically portray what it’s like for women who feel the need to transition. But what happened? He’s an insane hormone enraged crazy person who is so unlikable in that it makes one want to pull a flying elbow maneuver on him. He needs to run off with his older male boss never to return to the show.

Helena (a.k.a the 985th notch in Papi’s "Ho’ing Headboard”) is a question mark to say the least. She went from being The Exorcist girl to being Pollyanna. All I can say on this one is WTF! at the moment. I guess we’ll just have to wait and see what happens next with this one…

Birkenstocks: A Nazi Blitzkrieg Aimed at Maiming Lesbians

Fri, 23 Mar 2007 02:32:18 +0000

Birkenstocks: A Nazi Blitzkrieg Aimed at Maiming Lesbians

By Staff Reporter: Unda Wrapz

An in-depth under cover investigation revealed the true intent of the Birkenstock Company's manufacture and sale of its much touted footwear preferred by Lesbians everywhere. It seems Birkenstock's "sole" intent is to cause a painful condition called "Kamikaze Heel."

Built into every pair of Birkenstock footwear is a special pain inducing area known as the "Blitzkrieg Zone" which the company calls the "deep heel cup". This ingenious method of torture relies solely on the simple mechanics of walking. Wearers of their strapless sandals and clogs simply walk, the forward motion of the foot causes inertia to build in the sandal requiring the wearer to clench her toes in order to keep the shoe from slipping forward.

But as Nazi research shows, even the most adept toe-clenching Lesbian can't maintain the required constant pressure on the sandal resulting in its forward slippage. Before wearers are able to react, they're already in the process of entering the treacherous blitzkrieg zone.

The heel lands on the sharp raised edge of the Nazi's…ur…Birkenstock's "deep heel cup" sending a torrent of blinding pain shooting through the victim's heel up through the affected leg. Squeezing eyes shut in pure unadulterated pain, the now blind wearer lurches forward, stumbling wildly with arms flailing in an attempt to remove her pain afflicted heel from the offending torture device and regain composure.

Only after much effort to regain balance and push the shoe back into proper position on her foot is the wearer able to proceed forward until…until…the cycle is repeated again and again resulting in permanent disability. Operation "Kamikaze Heel" is now complete and deemed successful.

Oft has it been wondered by Americans everywhere why so many Lesbians are on disability and have handicap parking permits. Living up to their motto, Nazi's use their footwear to live the "no Lesbian left unharmed" belief in the hopes of bringing glory and honor back to their beloved "Motherland."

However all weapons have their use and Birkenstocks are no different. An inside unnamed Pentagon source has revealed that congress has funded Bush's "Birkenstocks for Every Iraqi Soldier" counteroffensive attack plan scheduled to take place in conjunction with the planned insurgence of American troops. Although the source "couldn't reveal specifics of the planned attack due to security concerns," he did say that the US plans on "providing every Iraqi solider with their choice of a pair of Birkenstock strapless sandals or clogs."

From this we've been able to infer that during the planned insurgence of our troops, when the Iraqi soldiers begin to run, they'll undoubtedly suffer from "Kamikaze Heel" making them stumble, causing wild arm flailing weapon dropping en masse. With this massive disarmament, our soldiers will be able to capture the eye-clenched stumbling pain-inflicted Iraqis resulting in another quick and decisive American victory.

Finally our US troops will be able to come home to gleeful parades and news headlines touting "Birkenstocks as the secret victory weapon of mass destruction used successfully to once and for all win this war!"

The Best Thing about a Lesbian LTR…

Mon, 19 Mar 2007 19:37:26 +0000

The Best Thing about a Lesbian LTR…

Being the kind of person that tends to focus on facts I’ve discerned that the best thing about Lesbian LTR’s is the fact that you only have to travel to the other side of your “shared dwelling” for a conjugal visit as illustrated below. In this case just 40 feet.

Now for a word problem…

If you can reasonably traverse the 40 foot distance in less than 20 seconds (without obstacles (‘trip hazards’) – i.e. pets, furniture, etc.) then how long will it take you to arrive at your conjugal visit spot? Anyone know?

Answer: 12.2 seconds

GSC, New Highly Addictive Drug Sweeps the Nation

Thu, 15 Mar 2007 17:03:18 +0000

GSC, New Highly Addictive Drug Sweeps the Nation
By Staff Reporter: Unda Wrapz

They’re here – they’re everywhere. On street corners, at your front door, and even at the local food marts pushing their “drugs” to anyone and everyone. They’re even in schools doing it – not 500 feet from schools, but right there inside the school selling their “stuff.” On the streets it’s known as “GSC” and it’s the most addictive drug available.

Who is behind this new drug causing such wide-spread addiction? None other than a plethora of little green cookie pushers calling themselves Girl Scouts (GS). Every year around this time GS pushers don their troop (gang) colors by wearing a sash diagonally across their chest. Scouring the streets in search of new markets for GSC, pushers target unsuspecting victims who are unaware that one single hit of GSC causes hard-core addiction.

Moreover, in recent years, a national investigation has uncovered large GS cookie cartels – gangs of highly organized GS troops who carve out huge portions of “turf” resulting in domination of entire neighborhoods, supermarket chains, and even drug stores. In front of many stores, GS gangs brazenly set up makeshift stands piled high with kilos of GSC.

Taking their business model from South American drug cartels that have perfected underground shipments of illegal narcotics to North America – the Girl Scouts are now using the same model and seeking world cookie domination – one box at a time.

An inside high ranking GS troop leader says, “Our ‘product’ is only available once per year, unlike ‘other stuff’ available on the streets making for an extremely super fan-tabulous profit!” When asked about the addictive qualities of their products, she categorically denies “that our product is addictive in anyway.” Even after studies in the American Medical Journal revealed that the average ‘user’ purchases no less than 6 boxes with Thin Mints and the peanut butter filled Do-Si-Dos leading sales.

Many “users” began their addiction quite by accident. After being visited by a GS at her own dwelling, one user who didn’t want her identity revealed sobbingly says, “It became the very center of my life. I just had to have my fix regardless of when and where.” Burying her head in her hands in shame she goes on to say, “I’ve hidden my addiction from my children and even my husband. No one knows the hold GSC can have on a person.”

After conducting their own investigation, an FBI report concluded that due to the GS’s bold tactics of going door-to-door in order to “hock their highly addictive product” and even recruiting “parental units” to sell it at their places of employment– “it’s no wonder why so many people become addicted. “It’s worse than crack and cocaine combined!”

More problematic, according to Lt. Nibbles, FBI Narcotics Director is that “violence has been erupting between troops fighting over turf in order to increase their profit margins. Drive-by water balloon fights in front of Kroger Food Marts have brought parking lot traffic to a halt and gang brawls between troops have resulted in bloody merit badge sashes and overturned tables of GSC.”

Worse still is that users who routinely try to bilk the towering 3 foot tall pushers out of the $3 per hit price are finding themselves the victims of the GS’s Mafioso money collections tactics. Many have ended up severely injured or dead when a “special GS collection unit” is deployed.

When asked to comment on the rising levels of aggression and violence, Lt. Nibbles simply shakes his head in dismay and sadly laments, “That it’s only getting worse by the year and the FBI just doesn’t have the man-power to combat this new drug or this level of violence.

Vibrators - The Great Jewish Debate Sweeping the World

Tue, 13 Mar 2007 13:29:12 +0000

Vibrators - The Great Jewish Debate Sweeping the World
By Staff Reporter: Unda Wrapz

Last week several high ranking Rabbis met for an emergency meeting in an undisclosed place to discuss the latest question sweeping the Jewish world: Is it alright for a Jewish woman to use her vibrator on the Sabbath?

Traditional Jewish law says that no work of any kind can take place on the Sabbath. Most notable and problematic for many Jews means this has been interpreted as Jews shall not drive their cars, cook, or use electricity of any kind on the Sabbath.

Jewish women everywhere have denied that use of a vibrator on the Sabbath is a breach of any Jewish commandment because they are battery operated. Jewish high ranking religious figures argue that battery operated items are “’portable electric devices’ prohibited for use on the Sabbath.”

After two non-stop intensive days of meeting and discussing what has now become known as the “Sabbath Vibrator Debate”, and consulting several Jewish texts to include The Talmud and the Kabbalah – the answer is the same as before. Neither side is giving an inch in true Jewish disagreement fashion. Jewish women are holding fast to their vibrators while Jewish religious figures are trying to stop the rampant use of “portable electric power” and to “keep the Sabbath holy.”

During the second day of the meeting, a group calling themselves “Jewish Women for “Free-“Use of Vibrators (JWFUV) picketed outside the synagogue with signs and chanted things like, “Jews for Electric Pleasure”, “Batteries Don’t Make Me Less Jewish”, “I (Heart) Electric Sabbath Pleasure” and “FU – It’s My Body – My Batteries, and My Vibrator!”

So disruptive were the picketers and the noise from their vibrators that the Rabbis were forced to halt all debate. Upon exiting the Synagogue, several picketers began throwing battery operated vibrators at clergy members resulting in one Rabbi being severely injured when an especially large vibrator struck him in the temple. He was rushed to the hospital where his condition has been listed as “serious but improving.”

When asked for her opinion of why this is such a topic of debate, JWFUV president commented, “Because making a woman go without ‘electric pleasure’ on the Sabbath is a sure-fire way to ensure that the rest of the weekend is h*ll for her family.” She goes on to say, “What’s there to debate? A few minutes of Commandment-breaking pleasure means a much happier and calmer woman. And even God fears an angry woman!”

Meeting participants refused to openly comment, but released an official statement saying only that “God will punish the Vibrator-Using-Sabbath-Breaking-Women.”